The Late Start

The purpose of this log is not go garner any attention. At the moment, I hope no one ever reads it. On the 7th of June, 2020, my wife of two years and change returned from a trip to Spokane, Washington to visit her family. She entered the living room quietly, sat down at our dining room table, and told me that she wanted to file for divorce. The purpose of this log is to contain and maintain the effect this event and these months has on my life. 

Today, it's July 19th, 2020. Every citizen of of our state and country is sick to death of hearing the phrases, "unprecedented times", "this dark time", and the like. The global dialogue is in an unexpected place. People on social media are thirsty for justice. Calls for peace are decreasing and calls for change are the loudest. All conversations I have seem to be stained with fear. As of today, 138,000 people have died of a pandemic in the United States. Several people I know have died, but no one I was close to. 

I've moved into my own apartment in Seattle. It has a view of water and passing ships. At the moment, I have no patio furniture, so I spend time sitting at my piano, practicing my scales while I stare out at the 1% floating by, their leathery skin preparing to grow cancerous. They alternate with glowing, fit couples floating by on their paddle boards toward Lake Washington. I think that I love all of them. I think that I hate people less than I used to.

I have had one particular fear about the human condition since I was quite young: old enough to emote toward people I love, but young enough to be unable to communicate my thoughts precisely. The fear is that we, as humans, are incapable of having relationships or meaningful connections which truly stand the test of time. Just as we all age, grow shorter, are failed by our bodies and eventually die, our human connections won't even wait that long to fall apart. This fear has afflicted each of my romantic relationships, including the one I had with my now ex-wife. I had imagined that legally-binding marriage vows would be a neat and tidy cure to this fear. I think that's one of its intended uses, actually. Obviously, it failed. There, however, hypocrisy in this fear. When I've ended relationships out of my own dissatisfaction, I have not considered it to be a great undoing of something which I hoped would be eternal. However, the moment I am blindsided by another person's lack of dedication to a relationship, I am crushed by the implications for my life: are all of my relationships ultimately pointless? 

It'd be simple and quite satisfying to point heavenward and label this dread as a need we all have for God. However, having been given this explanation many time to cover up many topics, I find it empty to hear. To all of my friends and loved ones who have avoided the temptation to tell me that this is all part of God's plan, bless you. To the others, please tell the dying, abused children in human trafficking rings that their suffering is part of God's plan. While you're at it, tell the dozens of thousands of people who have died the last two months in this country because of the idiocy and hard-headedness of their fellow citizens that their deaths are part of this plan. Tell the same to the 11-year old who dies of Leukemia. You get the point.

If there is a reader, x may think that I'm feeling nihilistic. In fact, I am not feeling. I am angry. I don't, however, feel angry. I am heartbroken and depressed and sad. I don't, however, feel that way. I feel that it's sunny out, I am mid-conversation with a couple of friends via text message, and I feel guild about the giant hamburger I ate last night. I only feel the disgusting, sickening, slowly dripping pain of betrayal when I allow it. However, having been told that I ruined her life for six years with my manipulation and control problems, I will refrain from acting too much on anyone or anything. This includes myself.

And so, I am left with the same dread and fear of relationships. If I fall in love tomorrow, is there any chance in heaven that it will be a timeless love? Are there timeless things? Or, is every pleasure of life given a two-year lifespan which will be forcibly snuffed out by our failures and the failures of others?