Am I Mourning or Lazy?

In an attempt to stop thinking about my feelings of betrayal, guilt, resentment, and the like, I've been trying to schedule six or seven productive activities each day, using social engagements as my icon moments to look forward to. As a choir instructor, I'm working this summer to improve my piano skills. I practice for a couple of hours each day. I assume I've made progress, but it isn't obvious to me. 

Some of the advice I've received most is to allow myself to feel. As mentioned in the previous post, I don't spend a lot of time feeling during the day. When I do, it makes me sick. As such, I've been trying to think of productive ways to allow myself to feel. I'll let you know if I come up with any. 

Last night, I began to read a book with the thesis statement along the lines of, "you will reach the other side of this hard time and God will use the darkness for good". After a chapter, I put it away. I don't know how other people deal with this philosophy. I don't think I ever want to believe that the person I love most left me and now hates me, and that it is all exactly how God ordained. 

After she told me she wanted a divorce, but before she left, she told me several times that she loved me and that she hopes I don't hate her. I sat there with her while she cried. I held her and cared for her for hours. She collapsed at one point in our closet while packing up her clothes. We sat in the dark for an hour, thinking back on the magic moments of our time together. Day by day, she not only didn't return the favor, but told my friends lies about me, texted me with the express purpose of commanding me to move on, and accused me of abuse and manipulation.

My last text message to her was, "I agree. If every word I say just sounds like I'm manipulating you, we can't really communicate". It's too bad that I don't have another gear of honesty. My fourth gear only sounds more clever and maniacal to her, and the engine of the car only has two cylinders.